This week I felt my quarterly regret for leaving to Washington State for college. This period breaks my soul each time I come across it. I chose to leave everything I knew three years ago and pursue something different in life away from everything I knew. I refuse to regret the decision because I knew it was best for me, but this doesn’t mean I miss home or refuse to grieve when I miss home. This period of my thought brings me on a long way back to my own reality and where I am in order to connect back with the world I chose to come to. This mood makes me run on autopilot and lose the consistency and knowledge I hold so dear to my soul. I hate it but it is necessary to my discovery of the world.
I suppose this thought was brought upon me by a trauma at home. My brother’s Bearded Dragon, Eragon, had to be put down because of a brain tumor that had begun to show symptoms effecting his motor control system. I was not close to the lizards my brother holds so dear despite sharing a room with them for at least the last 5 years I was in Colorado. I think of the trauma and grief it caused the other members of my family. My brother who is away at college learning that his beloved pet is dead, my mother watching the lizard have to be put down, and most of all my chihuahua, Lil’ Bit who was a dear friend of the lizard, feeling this loss. Every time that I run this situation through my mind I feel awful, but I haven’t learned how to grieve the situation. This isn’t like when I am present when death effects my life. I am away, I am nearly unaffected. This is why I wanted to write about this to help put my feelings in perspective because I am unsure about what to feel about this. Empathize with those around the situation, even if you don’t feel the trauma yourself.
This ability to empathize with something out of your control is so, so hard. I wish I never had to, but that is the situation of my own humanity. In other news, the Olympics have brought me the sense of boyhood joy watching the incredible array of sports and the hard work that everyone puts into their work. I have enjoyed Curling the most so far because a seemingly simple sport has so many complexities and different reactions from the many countries that participate in the sport. Every Olympics is a wonderful situation to be a part of especially as the world enjoys these games to the point where international politics are ignored. I really wish that Vice President Mike Pence wouldn’t have set the situation to politicize the games with some blind stunt against the North Korean Delegation as well as his ongoing feud with LGBTQ athletes at the games. The Olympics are a celebration of human accomplishment and togetherness.
The song I listened to this week was Rose-Colored Boy- Paramore and I feel it somewhat captures my mood for the week. Hopefully the remainder of this week changes things.